Today started off promising. I ate a good breakfast, I told myself I was going to stick to trying Veganuary this time, I had read multiple sources for my essay and sleep-written ideas the night before. I went to the British Library filled with renewed purpose and vigor for writing my essay (due in less than a week. Way to go with my “don’t procrastinate” resolution).
Yesterday, Abby told me she received her grade from our Greek exam last semester. I was nauseous with worry for mine to come in, but it never did. Today, it came. I was expecting it, and I was expecting something similar to the grade I got, but I wasn’t prepared. I failed. Utterly. 46%. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that low on anything before. I needed a 50% to pass. I failed one course in undergrad, and that was terrible. This was worse. I knew in my gut I hadn’t passed the test since completing it, yet I still held out a small bit of hope. I didn’t even realize I had until I read the email. I think what made it so much worse is that my advisor, Dr. Shaggy, was CC’d on it. So he, too, was informed of my failure. It made me ashamed and embarrassed. He had, after all, heavily discouraged me from taking a language course when picking out classes. But I was determined. I wanted Greek. I needed it if I wanted to go further in the field. I had taken a semester of Chinese and not done poorly. I have always liked learning snippets of other languages, it’s almost like a game or song. Despite all that, there sits my 46%, proving him right. I felt like I let him, Dr. Soothingvoice, and myself down. I felt defeated. I’m almost positive I am the only person who didn’t pass, which makes it even more embarrassing.
After seeing the email, my mini writing spree fizzled considerably. I texted my friends and family to let them know, then I went to the bathroom and awkwardly tried to silent cry in one of the stalls. I was in there boo-hooing to myself a good ten to fifteen minutes. Melanie called me, knowing I was upset, and told me it would be okay. It is only 12% of my grade, I know now what to expect, I can learn and move on. When I mentioned being the only one who failed she said, “my mother used to tell me, ‘Melanie, I don’t care what those other kids are doing.’ And I will say it to you.” She gave me a laugh and made me feel better about the fail. Even with her cheering up, I decided to eat my feelings (as always) and scrapped the Veganuary start, getting myself a piece of cake from the library cafe. It wasn’t that good, but it didn’t taste like failure.
Melanie’s pep talk alongside my parent’s helped me buck-up and focus again on writing. I wrote around 1500 words today, but I have no idea how much of that I can use. A lot of what I wrote was little snippets and notes to myself, no definite flow or paragraph structure. I wrote up a large section on the science of colour and wonder if I can keep it at all. It follows the same outline as the source I took it from, because the source I used is THE SOURCE for polychromy in Ancient Greek sculpture: Vinzez Brinkmann. I have not bothered to tie in what I wrote to what my essay thesis is meant to be, either. So I essentially wrote 1500 pointless words today.
Classes start on Monday. This means I need to not only finish this essay ASAP, but also translate ahead in Greek, mentally prepare for the face-to-face discussion on my grade, and research for my next essay due the 27th for Dr. Shaggy. Which I have zero sources or start on and will be much harder than what I am doing my report on now. Cooool. Semester is already off to a stellar start.
On the upside: my hair looked nice today.