I’ve started listening to my audiobook of “Eat, Pray, Love” again in hopes it will give me guidance and a kick in the ass for getting my life in order. It’s one of my favorite books, as I find it inspiring, funny, and pretty much full of what I want to do with my life. If I could travel the world and just write what happens to me on my travels and get paid for it, life would be good. Doing it for free is cool and all, but getting paid to share my awkward, sad, mildly pathetic every day experiences would be way better.
March is a busy month. Busy to the point where I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I’ve been vacillating between a strange, detached numbness and a heart-stopping, panic-ridden anxiety. Usually the anxiety hits and I try to push it out of mind, to be filled with the apathetic numbness, which is probably worse for me. Without at least a smidge of anxiety my drive isn’t as high and I turn into a vegetable (potato, not broccoli. Broccoli has nutrients and I’m about that starchy, lumpy, no-real-nutritional value life in this metaphor). I’ve not done near as well with studies this semester. Keeping up with my reading and staying on top of essays has been all but nonexistent and I (once again) have that sinking feeling of letting everyone down. What makes things even more wild is that the month ending marks the end of my courses. Already! How is it that all the time I’ve had for learning is gone? I still have an essay in April, three essays and an exam in June, and my dissertation in September, but all of my every day class time will be done. It makes me sad. I don’t want to stop learning. I feel like my time has been so short. I’m also depressed thinking about how I won’t see the few friends I’ve made anymore. Claire is moving back to the states as her dissertation is up in June, and everyone else I probably won’t see because we already don’t hang out outside of class.
I have another small Greek exam at the end of the month, and I haven’t studied for it properly (aka: at all). To be honest, I don’t even know how to start, or what to do to study. I feel like there is so much I need to know, and I don’t know where the best place to start is. How do I know I’m not wasting time studying something completely off base and not important? Or what if what I’m studying is way too basic for what I should be trying to concentrate on for the test? I’ve started freaking out again just thinking about it and have sent my tutor an email asking for advice.
To make matters more complicated, I have a friend coming to visit for a week. It’s bad timing with the test and since I’ll be in my last stretch of classes. I’m afraid I will either not give her the attention she deserves, or completely overlook my studying. Most likely the latter. I’m trying to figure out how to plan around everything, but I’m absolute bollocks (I feel like I haven’t used a good British slang word in awhile, so here you go) when it comes to time management.
Speaking of management, I need to try and get a job of some sort over the summer if I want to stay here until my visa runs out. My final loan check comes in June, and I’m not sure it will last through January. Maybe if I eat less than I have been and don’t travel at all. Also don’t buy new clothes. I’m also afraid I’ll just go stir-crazy without anything to guide me through the summer. Sure, I need to be researching and writing, but without a definite schedule I’m not sure my life will really flow well. I’d also like to finally get a gym membership, but they are so damn expensive. I have yet to get one because I keep telling myself I’ll just exercise outside and I don’t really need to do spin classes. But as I watch my thighs meld into a single, congealed mass, I’m more and more aware of the impending 400 pound-must-get-air-lifted-out-of-the-flat life I’m heading toward.
This is going to sound strange, but I keep having to remind myself that my teachers are not my friends or family. Obviously, I know they aren’t. But the reminder is so I don’t invade their lives too much. Not that I’m following them home or anything that extreme. As an example, on Monday I received an email saying Dr. Soothingvoice was ill and wouldn’t be able to teach class. I almost sent her an email telling her I hoped she felt better soon. Today, Dr. Shaggy seemed very out of sorts and maybe a little sad. I had to stop myself from asking him after class if he was okay, and if I could do anything to help him. These are not appropriate responses, and I am well aware of it. Fighting that misplaced concern battle every day.